Parents often have a harder time figuring out how to let their child know about the adoption than they do telling their relatives and friends. They become anxious deciding how much to tell their child, and how to get the timing right so as not to disclose too much at once and risk upsetting the child. Many of these fears are probably unnecessary. Although there is no single "right way" for parents to talk to their child about adoption, adoption agencies and professionals encourage families to be open and honest with the child from the beginning about the fact that they are adopted and not make it a family secret or "big deal".
Very young children should be told about their adoption in simple terms that convey how much they were loved by their birth parents and by their adoptive parents. Many age-appropriate books can be used to help the child understand. As the child matures, the story will need to have details added to answer additional questions that the child may have concerning the circumstances of the adoption as his or her understanding grows. Parents should not mistake a child's failure to ask detailed questions about the adoption for lack of interest or concern regarding the topic. While the child may not have any issues about adoption, the child's silence may be a means of coping with feelings of abandonment or resentment. Such feelings can cause problems for the child in later relationships and should be identified, addressed, and defused as best as possible during childhood. Parents may need to jumpstart discussions on the topic of adoption to get the older child talking.
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